How to Set Healthy Boundaries With Family During the Holidays

The word “holiday” carries different meanings for each of us and is shaped by our own lived experiences. For some, it’s a warm and heartfelt reunion with family members and friends. For others, it involves navigating complicated dynamics with family of origin, extended family or in-laws. It may also bring financial pressure around gifting and hosting. No matter what culture heritage you carry, I believe that holidays are more than celebrations, they are emotional homecomings shaped by our family and culture heritage and tradition. The idea of “reunion” can warm the heart, but it can also stir up pressure to meet expectations, navigate old conflicts and patterns, or perform a version of ourselves that fits our family’s wishes. As a therapist, I hear a familiar theme every year: we want to enjoy the holidays, but feel overwhelmed by the emotional demands that come with them.

Being around family can sometimes bring you back to roles you’ve outgrown, expectations you never agreed to, or conversations you don’t want to be part of. Even positive family relationships can feel complicated when everyone is carrying their own “agenda”. For example, Chinese New Year was always festive in my home. I remember the red envelopes, kids running around, adults playing mahjong, the firecrackers, and the incredible meals. I also remember that woven into that excitement was the internalized expectation to represent myself well. I remember rehearsing answers in my head before the big family gatherings, knowing I’d be asked about grades, extracurriculars, or later, my job and relationships.

Looking back, I wish that little girl had been taught what boundaries were supposed to look like. At the time, I thought boundaries meant being disrespectful to elders, something kids in a Chinese family would rarely dare to do. But through my own therapy, years of inner work, and everything I’ve learned as a psychotherapist, I’ve come to understand that boundaries are really just a way of letting your loved ones know what emotional space you need in order for the relationship to thrive. In many ways, boundaries aren’t about creating distance at all, they’re about strengthening connection, so you can show up more fully and authentically with the people who matter to you.

As a therapist, I see how powerful it can be when folks give themselves permission to navigate the holidays differently than what “you are supposed to do”. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you care less about your family. It means you’re choosing to care for the relationship (and yourself ) in a healthier way.

So, if the holidays bring up pressure, expectations, or emotional overwhelm, here are a few ways you can begin setting gentle, healthy boundaries this holiday season.

Noticing What Feels Heavy
When we talk about boundaries during the holidays, many people imagine harsh lines or firm ultimatums. But boundaries often begin in much gentler places. One of the most powerful first steps is simply giving yourself permission to notice what feels overwhelming. Maybe it’s the nonstop questions about your life, or the expectation that you’ll attend every gathering, or the pressure to act like nothing bothers you. When you can name what feels hard, you create room to choose how you want to respond instead of slipping into old roles automatically.

Listening to Your Body Before You Say “Yes”
One of the most helpful places to begin is noticing how your body responds when you think about upcoming gatherings. Before committing to plans, pause for just a moment and see what happens inside. Does your chest tighten? Does your stomach clench? Do you feel a sense of dread, heaviness, or pressure? Or do you feel neutral, open, or even slightly excited? Your body often tells the truth long before your words do.

You are allowed to make decisions based on these cues. This might look like agreeing to attend a celebration, but only staying for part of it. Or it might mean choosing a smaller, quieter event instead of feeling obligated to participate in everything.

Holding Boundaries in Conversation
Many people feel anxious about setting boundaries because they’re unsure how to phrase them. When difficult conversations come up, boundaries can sound like redirecting with kindness. You might say, “I’m not ready to talk about that right now,” or “I’d love to focus on enjoying the holiday together today.” You’re signaling your limits without shutting down the connection.. Knowing your language in advance gives you something to lean on when family dynamics become overwhelming.

Allowing Yourself Flexibility
Boundaries are not about cutting people off. They can be soft, flexible, and responsive. Instead of thinking in extremes (either attending every event or avoiding everything), you can give yourself choices in the middle. Perhaps you stop by for dessert instead of the entire day. Maybe you stay at a hotel instead of sleeping in a childhood home that brings up too many memories. You might drive separately so you can leave when you need to. Small adjustments like these can make the holidays feel more manageable and less draining.

Identifying Your Non-Negotiables
Before the holiday week begins, it can be helpful to reflect on what you truly need in order to feel emotionally safe. Every person’s non-negotiables look different. For some, it’s refusing to engage in political debates. For others, it’s preserving a quiet morning routine or stepping away when conversations become heated. Naming these ahead of time helps you move through gatherings with more clarity and less reactivity.

Staying Grounded When Tensions Rise
Even with the best preparation, family interactions can still bring up old emotions. In those moments, somatic grounding tools can help you stay regulated. Feeling the weight of your feet on the floor, letting your spine gently lengthen, taking a few slow orienting breaths, or giving yourself a moment outside can shift your nervous system out of overwhelm. These small physical adjustments support you in holding your boundary, not through force, but through presence.

Understanding That Pushback Is Normal
If you’ve historically been the peacekeeper, the flexible one, or the person who absorbs tension to make others comfortable, new boundaries may surprise people. Some may push back. Some may question why you’re changing. This doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It often means you are disrupting an old pattern that was never sustainable for you in the first place. Their reaction belongs to them. Your boundary belongs to you.

Giving Yourself Permission to Leave or Not Attend
It is okay to leave early. It is okay to take space. It is okay to say no. Sometimes the most compassionate choice is protecting your own well-being, especially when environments feel emotionally unsafe or deeply activating. You do not owe anyone a performance of holiday joy if being there costs you your peace.

Creating Holiday Traditions That Feel Nourishing
As adults, we get to redefine what the holidays mean to us. You can build your own rituals that feel grounding and healing for you rather than exhausting. Maybe it’s a quiet morning walk, a simple meal, a gathering with chosen family, or giving yourself permission to rest instead of rushing. The holidays don’t have to look the way they always have. They can evolve as you do.

This season, we invite you to give yourself permission to participate in a way that honors both your family and your own well-being. After all, taking care of yourself is one of the kindest gifts you can bring to those you love :)