Why They Choose Not to Leave: Understanding Intimate Partner Violence and the Power of Compassion
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month — a time to shed light on why survivors often stay in abusive relationships, how to recognize signs of intimate partner violence, and how therapy can help survivors rebuild safety, self-trust, and healing.
Each October, communities across the United States observe Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM), a time to raise awareness, honor survivors, and promote safety and prevention.
Recent events remind us just how urgent this work remains. In September 2025, a woman in California silently used a hand signal for help at a convenience store, prompting staff to contact police and leading to the arrest of her alleged abuser. The gesture (thumb tucked under four fingers) went viral as a symbol of silent resistance and survival.
Stories like these reveal both the pervasiveness of intimate partner violence (IPV) and the invisible strength of survivors who navigate fear, shame, and isolation every day.
As a trauma-informed psychotherapist, I often hear a painful but essential question: “Why don’t they just leave?”
I wrote this piece through a compassionate lens for understanding why survivors stay, how to recognize the signs of Intimate Partner Violence (IPV), and how therapy can help survivors reclaim safety, autonomy, and dignity.
What Is Intimate Partner Violence?
Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) refers to a pattern of coercive or violent behavior within a romantic or sexual relationship, where one partner seeks to control the other’s thoughts, emotions, or actions.
This control can take many forms:
Emotional abuse: Constant criticism, humiliation, or manipulation that erodes confidence and self-worth.
Threats and coercion: Using fear, intimidation, or the threat of self-harm to maintain power.
Intimidation: Breaking objects, harming pets, or using body language to instill fear.
Isolation: Monitoring communications, restricting social connections, or using jealousy as control.
Gender or identity privilege: Using social or cultural roles to justify dominance.
Financial abuse: Limiting access to money or sabotaging employment to create dependency.
While many associate IPV with physical violence, emotional and psychological abuse can be equally damaging, and often precedes physical harm.
The Power and Control Wheel
Copyright by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project
202 East Superior Street, Duluth, MN, 55802
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The “Power and Control” model reveals key aspects of relationship violence:
Emotional Abuse: Constant criticism, humiliation, and degradation that erode the victim’s confidence and self-worth, making them believe they are to blame.
Threats and Coercion: The abuser may threaten self-harm, violence, or abandonment to control the victim.
Intimidation: Damaging property, hurting pets, or behaving violently to instill fear.
Isolation: Acting possessive or jealous, cutting off social connections, and ensuring the victim’s world revolves solely around the abuser.
Gender Privilege: Enforcing rigid gender roles to justify control (e.g., “Men should lead; women should obey”).
Financial Abuse: Controlling money and limiting economic independence to maintain power.
Recognizing Early Warning Signs
Abuse typically escalates over time. Some red flags may include:
Excessive jealousy or possessiveness
Demanding immediate responses to calls or texts
Anger outbursts over small issues
Criticizing or shaming you publicly or privately
Threatening to harm themselves, you, or loved ones
Controlling decisions about your appearance, body, or social life
If you find yourself walking on eggshells, feeling anxious about upsetting your partner, constantly apologizing, or believing that your love can “fix” their behavior, it may be time to reflect on the safety and balance of your relationship.
Why They Choose Not to Leave
The Danger of Leaving
In her TED Talk, Leslie Morgan Steiner, a Harvard graduate and Wharton MBA, shared her three-year experience of domestic violence. The question that hurt her most was: “Why didn’t you leave? You had so many chances.”
What most people don’t understand is how dangerous leaving can be. “In domestic violence, the final step of abuse is often murder. Over 70% of domestic violence homicides happen after the victim leaves.”
The well-known Jiang Ge case is a chilling example. After Liu Xin broke up with her violent ex, he found her friend Jiang Ge’s apartment in Japan and, when his threats failed, fatally stabbed Jiang outside her own door.
Leaving is not an easy or safe choice. It can lead to stalking, financial retaliation, or manipulation through legal systems and custody battles. The first priority is always your safety.
The Weight of Shame
Another reason many don’t leave is the shame and stigma imposed by society. When survivors share their experiences, family or elders might urge them to “endure it” or say “family issues shouldn’t be aired publicly.” This victim-blaming teaches survivors to internalize guilt and isolation.
Imagine: Someone so close to you inflicts such deep harm: it’s not just physical humiliation but emotional and relational shame. Even after receiving education on gender equality and knowing rationally that “violence isn’t my fault,” survivors often still feel undeserving of love.
One survivor described feeling haunted by shame that whispered constantly: I’m not good enough. I’m not worthy of love.” Another survivor, even after leaving decisively, struggled for years. Although they knew intellectually that a controlled person wouldn’t become violent, part of them still blamed their own “hard stance” for triggering the abuse. In later relationships, they found themselves emotionally volatile, as if reliving the trauma again.
How You Can Support Someone Experiencing Abuse
This is a call for compassion. Leaving someone you once loved is never easy. If someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, try asking yourself: “Do I want to just be right, or do I want to be truly helpful to them?”
Instead of judging their struggles or “dependence,” offer understanding and presence. Avoid saying they’re “asking for it” if they return to the relationship. These judgments can deepen their pain and make it even harder to reach out for support.
Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can offer is gentle consistency, reminding them, through your words and your actions, that they deserve safety, care, and a life free from harm.
Instead of blame, offer support:
Avoid judgment or ultimatums.
Listen without pushing them to act before they’re ready or feel safe enough to leave.
Offer information about domestic violence hotlines or local resources.
Let them know you will support their safety, whatever they choose..
How Therapy Can Help Survivors
Therapy provides survivors with a safe, supportive, and confidential environment to rebuild safety, self-trust, and resilience.
A trauma-informed therapist can help survivors:
Reclaim safety in body and mind: Through grounding, mindfulness, or somatic awareness, clients learn to regulate anxiety and connect with the present moment.
Understand trauma dynamics: Naming what happened breaks the cycle of confusion and self-blame.
Rebuild self-esteem: Therapy helps survivors reconnect with their strengths, values, and capacity for joy.
Process complex grief: Survivors often mourn not only the harm but also the loss of what they hoped the relationship could be.
Create a safety plan: Therapists can connect survivors with community resources, legal support, and emergency planning tools.
Healing from domestic violence is not about “moving on quickly.” It’s about reclaiming agency: one breath, one boundary, one choice at a time.
Resources and Next Steps
If you’re unsure about your relationship, consider taking the “True Love or True Loser” relationship questionnaire by Dr. Joseph Carver and Dr. Greg Mulhauser.
If you or someone you know is in active danger:
U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or thehotline.org
Outside the U.S.: Find international hotlines here — womensaid.org.uk/international-directory
Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy, as it requires immense courage and often, support from a caring community.
If you are reading this and wondering whether what you are experiencing “counts” as abuse, please know:
Your safety matters. You are not alone. Healing is possible.
